CaveJulie.Com

No one cares if this is my first or last blog post ever but for the record, it is my first.  I have spent the better part of my life with a compulsive desire to feel words form from the efforts of my finger tips — either by pen or by keyboard.  It’s the sensation that matters most — that beckons to me — not so much what I have to SAY at the moment…  So for you, this very well may be the most uninteresting thing you’ve read in your entire freaking life…  For me, it is a tiny little adventure in the world of too much already like it so although I know better than to expect much, I still can’t help but play with the idea of grandeur.  I’m primarily a pessimist for a reason…

That being said, I would just like to make it clear that I very well may be one of the more well put together nutcases I personally even know.  That’s not bragging…or is it??  I backhand my own self-compliments.  I’ve been told that I have a “self-esteem” issue a few (too many) times in my adult and maybe even adolescent life.  The funny thing is that the few people on this planet who know and believe in me (which I still am dumbfounded at why) maintain that it’s all out of order that I lack it…  I’m pretty sure they try to understand me as best they can but for too many years now, I still don’t get me my-damned-self.  I make no sense.  Nothing is clear-cut and black-and-white for me.  Nothing is simple.  Reality is odd and most of the time, SURreal for me.

I suppose this would at least be part of the reason that I am drawn to the creative and the variety in life as well as why I look at nearly everything from about 6 different points of view.  I don’t do myself any favors with this latter part, by the way…but still, the result seems to actually be that it is the thing about me that both gains so much awe from those who believe in me as well as INFURIATES them.  Virtually nothing is easy for me and as a result, for them to be there for me.  I am a self-proclaimed burden despite my best intentions to be as far from that as possible.  In my effort to not be a burden, half the time I cause myself to be an even bigger one.  It’s genius really…

Although I love art, food, traveling, etc.  I seem to be ill equipped to paint, sculpt or even draw.  Hell, I suck at STICK FIGURES!  I’m great at eating (and as I get older, it’s showing more), but only okay at the whole “cooking” gig.  I don’t typically pine to cook, I don’t stalk about my kitchen in my artiste’s fog of inspiration, creating (or even REcreating) masterpieces.  I lack the vision and creativity and inspiration for that.  Traveling…well, I do that fairly well but it’s expensive and I feel hedged in additionally by my pathetic inability to learn other languages.  I also just don’t have that bad-ass traveler’s instinct for finding cool stuff, places and people.  I’m a meticulous person and a meticulous traveler as a result.

Writing though, I seem to at least stand a fairer shot at being half decent at with some time.  For one, I’ve been told more than a few times that I have a very keen sense of detail and the descriptive but really, that’s not a lot to ride on for content (and anyway, I maintain that it’s only because I can’t draw or paint!)…  I’ve come to realize over the last year or two that creativity may be handing itself to me in code thanks to my tendency towards peculiar dreams.  Sure, sure…I know you’ll say that I should save them for my shrink but really…REALLY!  Some of these would just be a shame to waste on a shrink if he doesn’t appreciate the aesthetic detail in some of them.  Would you want a shrink to read a 3 page, single-spaced detail of a fantastic (in the fantasy sense), 2-minute long dream and only have a diagnosis to reply with??  Wouldn’t you feel cheated???  So I am starting slowly (REALLY slowly) on my fiction but need to start putting something on the refrigerator so this will be where I start.

Expect topics to range from the mediocre to the BIZARRE with me.  Although there may be no sense to the order or choices of topics, I assure you, there is some strange little thread of thought that can be followed back to a moment of realization and/or connection to it for me and I will eventually get some categorization done to make the organization a little easier on the reading-eye.   Enjoy or don’t.